Chimairism



Chimairism is a religion and following for the music that fits a metal heads ear like a key and a lock. Chimaira's music is know for causing miscarriages, making shit materialize in pants everywhere, and causing moshpits full of angry convicts to congregate in even the most sensitive areas such as nurseries, senior citizen homes, hospices, china shops, country clubs, funerals, weddings, and bar mitzvahs. Things that have been known to happen in the blast radius of Chimiara's music include spontaneous human combustion, stray bullets, anal hemorrhaging, MMA deathmatches, cannibalism, goosestepping stormtroopers, kamikaze airplane attacks, drop kicking puppies, midgets on fire and candy stolen from small children.

Mark Hunter


Chimairists usually pray to Mark Hunter, front man of Chimaira, to avoid mandatory assbeatings, as one would pay to mafia protection money. Mark Hunter's voice is the Citizen Kane of metal vocals, often inspiring rage and contempt for the weak and vulnerable. Many Chimiarists consider hearing Mark Hunters voice live in concert is like doing heroin and having 12 orgasms at the same time. It is scientifically proven that one line of his lyrics are known to slow the passing of time, punch this listener in the face, and speed it back up again. Though it is still impossible to perceive this with your own five senses. Mark Hunter himself has claimed to inspire the Rodney King beating, and the following LA Riots, Hurricane Katrina, every single war in history, and the Southeast Asia tsunami just by opening his mouth.

Rob Arnold


Rob Arnold plays an ESP guitar forged of lava spewed from a pyroclastic flow from Mount St. Helens, and cooled in the tears of one thousand orphans. He uses Peavey 6505+ amps with custom speakers handcarved by Thomas Edison out of the remains of Jesus' cross.

Kevin Talley


Although not with Chimaira anymore, he is known for his unique double bass rig, where he straps knives on to the mallets of pedal and uses baby seals instead of bassdrums. This achieves a clarity that no drummer can reproduce until this day. For further research listen to the song Everything You Love and proceed to pick up your teeth afterward.