John

is Laihoism's main bitch and is constantly told by tr00 Laihoists to get spelling lessons. He is a redneck, and he likes to play paintball, listen to Shitallica, and have sex with his dog, Bosco.

He also beat meatdykes world record for being the biggest noob known to mankind, and constantly bitches about how he's called a noob, and yet, does nothing about it.

No other Laihoist has seen john because he was smitten by Alexi for being a n00b, and was literally "Banned from Heaven".

Only the Almighty, all seeing Tyler sees him at school, where he never talks about Laihoism...ever.