Laihoism



Laihoism is a religion that hails Alexi Laiho (lead guitarist/vocalist of the best band ever) as God. Despite it's comparatively small number of adherents, Laihoism is actually the only true religion. Many people hold Laihoism as a second religion. "Secondaries" (as they are called) are not true Laihoists although they do avoid insulting common sense by at least partially believing that the man pictured at right is not a man, but a god.

Origins


The sacred texts of Laihoism are not yet complete but a tribe of penguins is being kept locked in a room containing nothing but typewriters, tinfoil, and whiskey until the sacred texts are finished. This should be sometime around June 12th, 2666. These Sacred Texts are the most anticipated things on Earth besides Wintersun's album "Time," which is rumored to be released sometime in the year 3306.

At any rate, the Sacred Texts are going to teach that a year or so ago some random Irish guy and his drunken friend were at a pub in Ireland doing what Irishmen invariably do in Irish red pubs; getting shitfaced drunk. The Irish guy was just starting to get drunk enough to be called Irish and the Drunken Friend was lying on the floor babbling about Spartans, guitars, Vikings, Chuck Norris and how he himself is "more deadly" than all four combined when suddenly Alexi Laiho appeared on a table in the middle of the room and started playing an insane guitar solo. From underneath the table the voice of the Drunken Friend intoned "I'm a Spartan and I can kick Chuck Norris' ass. Alexi's a god. Damn, I'm deadly". The Irish guy heard this wisdom and took it to heart. The next day he got on the internet and started spreading the news that Alexi is God. Because the internet is full of the sort of people who read articles like this one, Laihoism quickly gained popularity and is continuing to grow. It hopes to become the only official world religion before 2100.

Practices and Beliefs


Except for Alexi's birthday, Laihoism has no official feasts or holy days. Instead requires its followers to drink and listen to heavy metal 24/7. On April 8th (Alexi's birthday), Laihoists gather in groups of ten or more to drink together. It is required that they drink a toast to Alexi's greatness at least every five minutes. Also, if any priests of Laihoism are present they must wear their holy vestments on this day. These holy vestments are quite unique to Laioisim. They consist of tinfoil arm plates, a random non-hat item worn as a hat, a Children of Bodom tshirt, and several random medieval weapons. More tinfoil armor and any other metal garb may be worn but is by no means required.

Laihoists plan to hold wild sex parties in the Laeihoist LAlex's meadhall once he/she builds one.

Aside from the indisputable fact that Alexi Laiho is God, Laihoists do not seem to hold any other real beliefs, but many people have their guesses. There has been no discussion of the afterlife, although some believe that Laihoists are granted eternal youth.

The position of other insanely good musicians is a highly disputed matter, whether they are Gods, demigods, saints or simply better Laihoists than anyone else.

Vestment Parties
Often, Laihoists will hold "vestment parties". A group of Laihoists wearing the Holy Vestments gathers together in the mighty name of Laiho to listen to Children of Bodom albums and drink till they can't see straight or even tell what band they're listening to.

Derka Derka Bagel
Derka Derka Bagel is a phrase almost completely unknown outside of Laihoism, but is held with high regard by Laihoists and is possibly the most religious phrase in the world. It was brought into Laihoism by a high priest named Meatloaf[shit], who is known as "the Spirit of laihoism" the only people allowed to say "Derka Derka Bagel" aloud are Meatshit himself and those select few who Meatshit has bestowed the blessing of Derka Derka Bagel upon. Namely, the creators of Laihoism (beerdo and Sronpop), The author of this article (Lord of Bodom) and an unknown friend of several Laihoists, who is not, in fact, a Laihoist but will become one shortly after reading this.

If you speak the holy phrase when it has not been bestowed upon you then you will be justly shot, mutilated and/or dropped in a vat of boiling oil with several babies to be feasted upon at a vestment party.

Spin-offs


Some Laihoists have been divinely inspired to start their own religions. Thus we have Warmanism (worshiping Janne Wirman, Alexi's hommesexual pet keyboard player), Skwigelfism (hailing Skwisgaar Skwigelf from Metalocalypse as God), Mäenpääism (devoted to Jari Mäenpää, Ensiferum's old singer and Wintersun's sole member), Heriism (extolling Heri Joensen from the band Tyr), Lorcan/Connorism (hailing two homosexual sisters as gods) and a few others.

Conversely, some n00bs have decided to steal the sacred idea of Laihoism and apply it to their own lame bands. Hence we are plagued by AFIism, Triviumism, Bulletformyvalentineism, hotemoguyism and a host of equaly appalling atrocities. There are however brother religions to Laihoism, The cult religion of Emohateismand another who can be compared to the awesomeness status given how all of the true laihoist practice it, the newly founded lorcan/conorism, which worships laihoism's creators as gods.

Influence on Society
Laihoism has absolutely no influence on society as a whole. This is because all Laihoists are such losers that no one will listen to them except for other Laihoists. This isn't saying much seeing as all Laihoists do is talk about who is the bigger Laihoist.All such enquires should be forwarded to founding Laihoists Beerdo and SronPop who will promply bitchslap the matter closed. All Laihoists strive to one day achieve actual religious status, so they can call holidays whenever they want. Such an event would be catastophic and would likely cause widespread hangovers.

No Girls are Laihoists


There is no such thing as a female Laihoist. One reason for this is the fact that girls aren't manly enough to be Laihoists. Several girls claim to be Laihoists but their only motive is that they want to get a true Laihoist to have sex with them because true Laihoists are extremely manly. A few other girls claim to be Laihoist because they want to have sex with Alexi Laiho; however this task is impossible since they would burn if they touched him. The reason for this is unknown, some say its because of his relationship with fellow bandmate Janne Warman. There are also an incredibly small number of girls who think that Alexi Laiho is far greater than any other man and greatly admire his musical skills. These girls may or may not want to have sex with him. These girls may consider themselves Laihoists.

Founders
Laihoism was founded one drunken night is a pub in Ireland, where two legendary gobshites who are known only as Beerdo and SronPop thought the idea of basing a religion around Alexi Laiho would be both 'Awesome' and 'Badass' and after trusting the duties of writing the holy texts of Laihoism to a bunch of penguins, Laihoism was born. Not much is known about these two drunkards, as their uncyclopedia pages are not finished yet, how ever I think its fair to say that Sronpop has a particularly large penis.

(note that this section was Authored by Sronpop, also known as "The Drunken Friend".)

Tr00 Laihoists
The only tr00 laihoist is one who regularly speaks in discussion at the alter of Laiho (groups.myspace.com/laihoism). There are only a handful of these people and they are held with high regard among lesser folk. These tr00 laihoists are such losers that they have nothing to do but drink, toke, eat, play guitar, drink, sleep, drink, listen to heavy metal, worship at the alter of Laiho, drink, go online while drinking. All while drinking. Their names have only recently been discovered and they are Meatloaf (birthname unknown, lives in Dillon's yard), Dillon (is most entertained by making fat jokes about meatloaf), Chris(a most successful mafia don. Both The Godfather and The Sopranos are based on his life), Tyler (taller than a tree), Conor (not a bumble bee, has a religion based on him), Lorcan(rumored to be creator of laihoism. Has not been seen in months and is rumored to have been abducted by aliens or attending farmer college), James (murderface murderface murderface), Alex(who is also knows as Lord of Bodom and who may or may not be a female but is rumored to have a huge dick), Tim (the drummer doodily doo), the other Tim (with the V), Xan (EXPLOSION!) and Electra(Alex's sister who goes to TYR concerts and screams for "whats that guys name from TYR.") these are the few that worship the most (some on a daily basis) and can do whatever they want to noobs, Emos and people claiming to be Laihoists and are not.

Laihoism's Bitches
Laihoism has three main whores who sleep with true laihoists on a regular basis and are the only women in the world held with high regards by Laihoists. Their names are Divya, Electra, and Chloe. Chloe owes the men of Laihoism nudy pics and has yet to provide. It is rumored that she has givin them to a wannabee bitch but this has not been confirmed. It is also rumored that she loves to suck Dillon's cock 24 hours a day. Divya is a yankee that has moved to California to help spread the word of Laihoism with the 3 other true Laihoists that live in California, Xan, Tyler and Alex. Electra is rumored to look exactly like Alexi on a good day, and may be his long lost twin sister. She does not want to sleep with Alexi because it would be awkward to have sex with her duplicate.

The concept that there are no female laihoists has been challenged by the existance of Electra. She wants to have sex with Terji and not with Alexi, also she actually worships Alexi for his music and not his dick (unlike many male laihoists). Electra is (disputably) the only tr00 female Laihoist.

How To Become A Laihoist
The first thing to do to become a Laihoist is click this link and join

http://groups.myspace.com/Laihoism

To become a Laihoist you MUST hold conversation at least once a week or you will be shot and mutilated. For the first few weeks or so the veteran Laihoists will treat you with no respect and you will be bashed and heckled constantly. If you can hold your ground you will eventually become a true Laihoist. Take a a veteran Laihoist's word for it do not say anything negative about Children of Bodom or Alexi Laiho for you will be bashed without end until you redeam yourself. You must say "you know" by the end of each sentence.

If you can do these things you will eventually be treated as a true Laihoist and will share all the benefits of Laihoism, which is pretty much nothing besides constant heavy metal and drinking

Legend has it that in order to be the ultimate Laihoist, you must concoct an "Irish Car Bomb" and then consume this beverage without throwing up.

Famous Laihoists

 * Stephen Colbert


 * Me


 * The Irish


 * Your mom


 * Oscar Wilde


 * Herman Li


 * Darth Vader


 * Sinbad


 * Skwisgaar Skwigelf


 * Chuck Norris


 * Goatse


 * William Murderface was a Laihoist for quite sometime, until he became an atheist, a satanist, and a few others. Then completely gave up on religion and became an alchoholic instead.


 * Alexi Laiho is not a Laihoist simply because he does not know that Laihoism exists.


 * Jari Mäenpää fellow kickass Finnish musician, debatably as godlike as Alexi himself. However, because Jari is a Laihoist this proves that Jari is not a god.


 * Gus G. recently converted to Laihoism because Tyler told him to.


 * Jani Liimatainen another kick ass musician that would quite possibly enjoy Laihoism.